For the record, I (Todd) am not interested in renting the buzz film 50 Shades of Gray, however, I am very much interested in developing real and true intimacy with my wife and hopefully so are you. So, here now are my 50 Shades of RED. Fifty simple, yet profound things you can do to help develop red-hot-real intimacy in your marriage.
#1. Pray for good sex. If you really want “good sex” pray for it! No, I don’t mean pray about sex… I mean pray (out loud) with your wife every night about the things that matter to her the most. In addition to this, pray prayers of blessing and encouragement over her. Great sex is a byproduct of great intimacy. If you aren’t praying for and with your wife you are missing a key to intimacy and your “sex-life” is suffering from it.
#2. Call and text her daily. Connecting daily is so important that I even asked my administrative assistant to ask me, “Have you connected with your wife today?”
#3. Establish Spiritual Habits. Get up before everyone else in the family and spend time with God. Pray and read the Bible. You won’t just appear to be spiritually strong to your spouse…You will be spiritually strong and there’s nothing more attractive to your wife than security of your spiritual strength.
#4. Serve together. I have found that my intimacy with my wife is deepened by serving together. Every time we served together I see New sides of her personality and I observe her strengths at work. Of course, I don’t just recognize her strengths but actually compliment her afterward! I love seeing her shy smile as I celebrate her strengths with her.
#5. Favorite Things. Nearly every week we try to surprise one another by leaving or showing up somewhere with one of our favorite things. It’s amazing what a McDonald’s Coke can do for our relationship.
#6. Show up early. My wife knows that I am busy so it means a great deal to her when I show before she expects me. I love it when she says “your home early” and I say, “It’s because I wanted more time with you!”
#7 Make her laugh. It’s my goal every day to make my wife laugh. I know that laughter is good medicine and with parenting 11 children she needs to take a laughter vitamin every day.
#8. Photo bomb her! No I don’t mean jump in the background of a photo she’s trying to snap. I mean email or text her photos of her in action as a mom and wife. Show her a photos of her with the people who matter most to her. Examples; Photos of the kids holding signs that say “I love you mom.” Snapshots of older photos that you have already taken that remind her of significant places and events from your history together. Be creative.
#9. Review calendar and talk about feelings. Take time to review the of events of the upcoming week but make sure you also talk about how you both feel about it all. Many couples just live the week as it comes and never even look ahead. Other couples talk about what has to be done but never talk about how they feel about it all. To increase intimacy in your marriage you’ll need to go a bit deeper…share schedules and talk feelings. Intimacy increases when details are shared and feelings are expressed.
#10. Ask about her day and listen well. My wife is not a person who will just start talking about her day. But it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to talk about it and doesn’t want me to ask. Asking your wife how her day was and then listening to her respond is key to greater intimacy (if you want more ideas about listening well click here).
#11. Use all of your vacation days. Plan for some of those days to be spent just with her. You don’t always have to whisk her off to an exotic place to be together. Set your “out of office” reply, put your phone in a drawer and enjoy a stay-cation!
#12. Date your wife. Take your wife out on dates just as you did before you were married.
#13. Leave a note. Use a dry erase marker write a message on her bathroom mirror. Use sticky notes and leave messages around the house where she will most likely find them throughout the day. i.e. in the refrigerator or the milk or on her car mirror.
#15. Skip lunch and use the extra cash to buy your wife a special gift.
#16. Clean out her car and get it washed. Put a CD in the radio of songs that mean something to her and have it set to pop on when she starts her car.
#17. Get up early and make her a cup of coffee the way she likes it before she wakes. Making her cup the way she like it lets her know that you have paid attention to the small details.
#18. Back and foot rubs. Intimacy increases every time you give her a no-expectations back rub.
#19. Facilitate a day away for her to spend time with a best friend.
#20. Take her to a movie or plan and in-home movie night.
#21. Write her a poem even (if you’re no good at it).
#22. Send her flowers (on a non-holiday). Flowers on a holiday are nice as well but the non-holiday flowers will catch her off guard and clearly illustrate her value to you.
#23. Change her computer wallpaper to a photo of the two of you together.
#24. Notice what she did throughout the day and complement her for it! She may have done things around the house that are easy to miss! Find the complement and share it before you do anything else. If you can’t find something she has accomplished during the day skip it and move straight to #32!
#25. Bounce your eyes & control the remote. When a sexy commercial comes on bounce the remote to a different channel. She’ll see you’re serious about her being your one and only.
#26. Guard her heart by guarding your words. Reserve the word “beautiful” for your wife. Never describe a coworker or a different woman as beautiful or attractive.
#27. Look backward/look forward. Host a conversation with your spouse where you share the top three special moments you remember related to your history with her. Then share three that you’re looking forward to with her.
#28. Encourage her to pursue her interests, hobby, or even a career path. Be clear that it is her want not yours!
#29. Thank her. Write a note or have a conversation where you thank her for one or many things she does for you.
#30. Hold her hand. Hand holding was likely one of your first expressions of physical intimacy. Return to it … it’s still very powerful.
#31. Add another second to your goodbye kiss. One second more may be the difference between communicating “see yeah!” and “I love you”
#32. When you get home from work always ask, “How can I help you?” Those words are such a huge relief to her when she has a list of “to do’s” on her mind.
#33. Play with your kids. This one may initially seem unrelated to intimacy but your wife loves to see you have fun with your children. It affirms them and her at the same time (and it gives her a break knowing they are being entertained by you).
#34. Lean in and listen. If she begins to speak to you put down the phone (turn off the TV) look her in the eyes and connect.
#35. Just do it. Try and notice what might need to be done and just do it. i.e. take a load out of the dryer and take it to the proper room or if the dishes are piling load the dishwasher.
#36. Take the lead. Your wife needs a leader in parenting, spirituality, and next steps in your relationship.
#37. Take out the trash! Don’t let it pile up and collect it from every can in the house.
#38. Clean the bathroom. Or do some other task she least enjoys doing. Let her know you did it because you love her and that you know it’s one of her most dreaded tasks.
#39. Lay out an everyday outfit for her that you love seeing her wear. Leave a simple love note along with it. She’ll enjoy knowing you notice her beauty even when there’s not a special occasion.
#40. Tell your wife a few things from your day. She likely feels very disconnected from your work world. She wants to know if you had a bad day. This is communication and openness to her. Then reciprocate… ask about her day and listen.
#41. Fully resolve conflicts with her. If things are not fully resolved in your first attempt (if your house is anything like mine you might experience a few interruptions) bring it back up. Half-way resolved issues may take some of the pressure off but may be like smoldering embers… finish the conversation. Don’t get burned by unresolved or half-way resolved conflicts.
#42. Just try. Even if you don’t feel fully confident at laundry / cleaning / cooking / parenting / praying / talking – Just trying things will show her that you care.
#43. Compliment her. Do this often and in a variety of ways. Also, do it front of others. Find moments to “brag” out loud about your wife to others when she is present. Talk about her talents, abilities, best traits and qualities. Point out the things you love and appreciate about her.
#44. Treat her as an equal. Have respect for her and believe that she is just as capable of success, achievement and significance as you are.
#45. Be a man of your word. Make promises and keep them.
#46. Be totally honest about your needs. If you need space or time to regroup tell your wife this. She doesn’t see it as selfishness. She appreciates your honest communication and she understands that it is hard for you to be vulnerable. She loves that you trusted her enough to be honest.
#47. Give her the full truth. Don’t make up a story as to why you were late or didn’t get something done. Just be honest. She might be hurt but she will be more hurt if you lie and break trust. Beyond this, you’re lie will diminish your sense of self-worth and that will also ultimately injure intimacy.
#48. Work out with your wife. Getting healthy together gives her a sense you will be with her for a long time. She loves it when you take good care of yourself.
#49. Have a passion of your own (but have balance) she loves to see you doing what you love as long as your passion for her is deeper than the hobby or work you have passion for.
#50. Tell her you’ll never give up on her and Don’t ever give up. Keep trying things even if it all blows up in your face. Intimacy is established over time and through consistent effort.
NOTE: Don’t get overwhelmed with this list and think it is an all or nothing. Start small. Try something and don’t wait. So, I recommend that you finish reading this blog post and then scroll back through the list…find one you can do today and you’ll be on your way to real red-hot intimacy with your wife.
Ready to take your marriage to the next level? “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”
~ Proverbs 5:18-19 ~